Tag: journal

About Me

Sanity

Autumn

Writing keeps me sane.

My usual tradition is to read a book after finishing a first draft, before beginning on the second. This time, circumstances aren’t quite usual.

In one sense, I’m barely aware of the world. Truth is, ten years ago I saw too much, and turned my back on society in disgust. I don’t like being a negative person, but there’s really no other way for me to describe why I live like a hermit in the middle of suburbia. Heck, we even tried going off grid several years ago, but that proved to be too difficult with the resources we had.

And yet, there’s a great deal that even I can’t hide from. I feel it every time I see a face mask littering the sidewalk. I know it’s out there, lurking just outside our fence line.

It’s seemingly taken away my ability to focus on reading. I can do everything else, but whenever I sit down with a book, I can’t follow what’s happening on the pages or remember who’s who. I can only finish short novellas if I read them out loud to my children (We’re currently reading The Fairy Rebel). I end up doing some sort of fiddly craft with my hands instead.

I can’t follow my usual ritual this time around. When I don’t spend my evenings re-centering my balance and exploring my fictional world, the noise from the children during the day gets inside my head too much.

So it looks like I’ll be plowing through the second draft of Alice and the Warden without “cleansing my mental palate” first. I have to work with what I’ve got.

About Me

Deep Fried

Autumn

I burnt out on movies, so I switched over to watching Youtube whenever I needed to mindlessly veg for a bit.

So, the other day I was watching a food channel, and the person said something along the lines of, “Fried foods absorb oil, and that’s bad for you.”

Something inside of me snapped.

Like, “Fuck it. I’m buying a deep fryer.”

Gonna eat beignets for breakfast every single day.

Actually, I’m way too stingy to buy a deep fryer when I have a perfectly good pot and a stove, but the sentiment still stands. People have been frying foods in oil for literally ages, so I think it’s okay for me to eat something without you getting all up in my business. There’s too much of that going around.

Deal with it.

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com
About Me

Kittens

Autumn

We kinda didn’t get around to spaying our cat over the last few months.

But look

Babies!

24 hours old.

My life is proof that women CAN have it all; I am both a wife/mother, AND a crazy cat lady.

XD

#OMGtoomanycats

About Me

Introversion

Autumn

I’m very introverted, and sometimes the ability to socialize just isn’t there. Not only am I unable to think of anything to say, I don’t have the energy to listen/read what anyone else has to say either, and I don’t even want to deal with anyone online or through texts. My husband occasionally teases me that if I were any more introverted, I’d be nonfunctional in society.

When I first became a mother, I worried about how I was going to raise and homeschool my children without going crazy. Being an introvert, my social circle is very small. I am also the black sheep of my extended family, so they’ve been a non-factor in my life (which is my polite way of saying I have zero contact with most of my relatives). Babysitting is not easy to come by, especially because I’m extremely distrustful of leaving my children with people I don’t know very well.

It took some time, but I found my zen.

Which wound up leaving me well positioned for the lockdowns.

While others are sobbing for a break from their children, I already have the routine and boundaries in place for me to thrive. Bonus: As an introvert, I don’t require much interaction with others.

What I had initially feared would be a weakness, turned out to be a strength.

Obviously, what works for me probably isn’t going to work for most other people, because my form of recharging involves going inside my own head (usually to explore story ideas), but my advice is:

…

Honestly, I don’t enjoy giving advice; I couldn’t care less what you do. It’s mostly that I’ve seen some people having nervous breakdowns, and thought to myself, “Phew, glad I’m not like that.” I want to share my personal thoughts more, but I worry too much about hurting other people’s feelings. I’m not trying to rub it in.

But seriously, I really don’t care what you do or don’t do. It’s your life, and if you want to have a nervous breakdown and wallow in depression, go right ahead. All power to you.

About Me

2021

Autumn

I’m going to be completely honest and tell you: I fully expect 2021 to be even worse.

You’re welcome.

Here’s the thing: Life isn’t a linear board game. The point isn’t to race to the end while accumulating the most money, and there aren’t any winners in the end.

Poets of the Fall is my favorite band, and the above quote comes from their song, “Love Will Come to You”. The lyrics continue on to say,

Life doesn’t run a clear course
It flows through from within
It’s supposed to take you places and leave markings on your skin

And those marks are just a sign of something true
you witnessed in your time
Of something new, like the start of something fine

Poets of the Fall, Love will Come to You

Life is an adventure. Life is a testament to the strength of the human spirit. Sometimes we are meant to survive the black plague, or huddle in shelters as the cities around us burn, or scrounge for meager scraps of food in the face of starvation. The fact is, life never has been, and never will be, a set course to follow. It requires far too much adaptation and perseverance.

Our ancestors were strong AF, and they passed that strength on to us. If you’re worried about your ability to make it through tough times, remember that the gift of strength was already given to you through countless generations that survived hardships we can’t imagine. This is our adventure and our legacy – our moment in history. Embrace it, and pass the gift of strength on to the future.

So yes, I do fully believe that 2021 will be much harder, but I also fully believe that it’s our time to show the Universe what we’re made of.

About Me

2020

Autumn

A few years ago, a mormon bishop took it upon himself to inform me that my lifestyle was outdated, and that as a woman I needed to apply myself to a career instead of settling for being a simple stay-at-home-mom. He proclaimed this on a Sunday, while wearing a suit, with the authority of God and all that jazz.

And I thought to myself, “Wow, even the mormons don’t like me.”

If it was some sort of attempt at conversion, it had the exact opposite effect — and I’m still very much a stay-at-home mom. I guess the thing that people don’t understand is that I feel an enormous amount of passion about raising my children, and no criticism is going to change that. I’m not going to sell my soul for approval.

The one thing that I did take away from the exchange was that I am alone.

Totally, completely, alone.

I’ve met a lot of women who consider raising kids to be nothing more than a diversion from the ever-so-much-more-important career. Like paychecks are the only things that matter in life.

I’ve lived with the isolation ever since.

But here’s the funny thing about 2020: despite the lockdowns, social distancing, and rampant censorship, the one thing that I’ve learned is that I’m not alone.

There are a lot of people like me.

More than I would have expected, too.

We were just all too scared to say what we really thought before now.

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About Me

Austrian cream cheese bars

Autumn

I jumped on the baking bandwagon.

I don’t actually know if that’s still a thing, or if people have burnt out on it by now.

But anyway, I’ve been baking WAY more than I used to. For the sweet tooth.

I made Austrian cream cheese bars, and thought that it would be fun to take a picture for the blog.

But before I got around to it, my two-year-old attacked them with a chopstick while I wasn’t looking.

So here you go. Yummy.

They’re supposed to have nuts on top, but I didn’t have any on hand.

About Me

Personal Note

Autumn

This is the time of year when I typically slack off from writing and put more energy into holiday activities, but there’s a good chance that this year is going to be completely different. For starters, I have no interest in taking the kids out Christmas shopping.

I might get more into holiday baking, since I’ve always wanted to make one of those chocolate yule log cakes, but have always been too intimidated to try. Might as well give it a shot.

It’s hard to say what the next two months are going to look like, honestly.

Writing is my selfish activity. I love children — my kindergarten dream was to be a mom — but they scream a lot and make big messes. Writing is how I maintain my internal balance so I can deal. With the way the kids have been acting of late, I’m going to be doing a lot of dealing this winter. I’m gonna need as much balance as I can get.

And cake.

I have no clue if I’m going to be slacking off or not.

About Me

Piano Therapy

Autumn

Through happenstance, we ended up with a free piano.

My husband and I have been jokingly referring to it as the ‘biggest mistake of our adult lives’, since the children have been excitedly pounding on the keys every chance they get. My husband taught our 8-year-old how to play ‘Mary had a little lamb,’ I taught her ‘Twinkle, twinkle, little star’, and we’ve been listening to her adorable little recitals several times a day ever since.

I can still slowly plink my way through simple songs, even though it’s been close to 20 years since I took lessons. At least I still remember how to read sheet music.

I’m wondering how feasible it is to fit in practice sessions every day when I have five children, a bunch of other hobbies and responsibilities, and the holidays are quickly approaching. But, at the same time, it feels wonderfully good to have my fingers dancing with the music.

Piano therapy.

Because it’s 2020.

(Seriously, things are getting weird around here).

So, this year I’ll be learning how to play Christmas carols.