Category: About Writing

Person with backpack standing at a forked forest path at dusk
About Me, About Writing

When Your Worldview Shifts and You Can’t Write Fiction Anymore

Autumn

Everyone lives by a personal philosophy.

Some people believe that the world is getting worse, while others believe that it’s getting better. Some believe that people are inherently good, while others believe that they’re inherently bad.

Now that I’m 38, I’ve learned to cast a suspicious eye on those who believe that people are inherently bad. Personally, I don’t come home from the grocery store and think, “Ugh, humanity is awful.” Most people want to mind their own business and buy their pumpkin spice muffins in peace. Most people respond to positivity with positivity. Most people will smile when you make a crack about having to decide what kind of barbecue sauce you’re in the mood for. I’ve come to the conclusion that you definitely get back what you put out.

The caveat, of course, is that I’ve also learned that some people are just plain bad. They are selfish, mean, exploitative, and manipulative, and you absolutely cannot love them into being better. It’s important to learn discernment and recognize the red flags.

The reason why writing fiction is currently so hard for me is because my foundational philosophy was tossed upside down and I’ve been rebuilding it from scratch. What I wrote about above is something that I’ve been painstakingly piecing together over the last two years. Before, I was heavily indoctrinated with “people are generally bad,” and I had no clue how many of my negative social experiences were actually influenced by just one person. Remove that one person, and suddenly my social world is completely different.

Fiction relies heavily on personal philosophy. The question of what happens next and why is completely dependent on what the writer believes. So when my world was turned inside out, I lost the ability to decide what happens next.

It wasn’t just the question of people being good or bad. I no longer believe that marriage is sacred or that love is worth fighting for — people really shouldn’t be claiming ownership of other people, anyway. Someone can spend years proclaiming their undying devotion, then wake up one day and tell you that you’re too boring for them to tolerate so they’re filing for a divorce. And then what? You spent years holding fast to love and marriage only to have it casually tossed aside by the other person. So don’t feel obligated to hang on just because love songs sound pretty. You are not property, and you are allowed to leave situations that have you feeling drained, depressed, and powerless, no matter what the other person says about their emotions.

As a side note, I want to make it clear that I’m not in the “just leave” camp. I know perfectly well that leaving is a complicated and potentially dangerous course of action, post-separation abuse is real and oftentimes worse, and I do wish that society was more supportive of people who stay. Staying does not mean that the person condones their relationship.

I still haven’t figured out how people are supposed to interact and relate to each other. I like the idea of separate individuals coexisting in a shared sphere, but then everyone else is always talking about “needs” and I still haven’t wrapped my mind around that. Personally, my “needs” vanished when I no longer had the source of stress creating the vulnerabilities and emotional wounds. So I dunno. What is it that I’m supposed to be needing? Because apparently things like “personal space” and “autonomy” aren’t it.

I also take umbrage over the idea of someone approaching me and saying, “Hey, I like the way you look. Devote your life to my NEEDS.” Uh, no. I don’t want to.

That means that I don’t know how characters are supposed to interact with each other.

I keep asking myself, “What attracts people to each other?” as we have learned to cast a wary eye on qualities like “vulnerability”, “dependence”, or “compliance”. We won’t be doing any “she softened his cold heart” crap in the future, that’s for sure. Basically everything that I was told about what men want and how women are supposed to be since 2009 is right out the window. Goodbye and good riddance. That ain’t my circus anymore.

So lets subtract lovebombing, emotional wounds, patriarchal programming, and ask … what attracts people to each other?

🤷‍♀️

Beats me.

Hence why I can’t seem to write a novel about people meeting and choosing to interact with each other for longer than five minutes. While it’s one thing to have a number of pleasant acquaintances, close relationships are an entirely different beast.

Open brass compass lying on cracked stone
About Writing

Real life taught me how to write a villain

Autumn

I found this in my drafts. I wrote this outline clear back in March then forgot about it, so I never fleshed it out into a full post. I’ve decided to post it as is, since it gets my thoughts across well enough.

An unshakable belief that the average person is stupid. Gullible.
– The villain believes they have access to special information and insight.

An alternate moral structure.
– Aware of the fact that their morals are different from everyone else’s, but convinced that it’s special.

Always right, everyone else is always wrong.
– Resistance is unreasonable
– Harm is someone else’s fault
– Their cruelty is forced
– Disagreement is proof that others think incorrectly.

Treat people the way that they deserve to be treated.
– Projection

Using cruelty to cover up own incompetence.
– Gaslighting

“The ends justify the means” while the ‘ends’ is maintaining dominance.
– They genuinely believe that their dominance in noble because people are too stupid to care for themselves.

Is esoteric narcissism a thing?

About Writing, art

Coming soon

Autumn

This novel is a prequel to The Black Magus, though how the two are connected won’t be obvious for quite some time.

As much as I like The Scion Suit/The Scions, truth is I’ve never 100% gotten over the fact that it originated as a story prompt. It doesn’t thematically fit into the larger mythos that I created for The Black Magus, and on an emotional level, that’s what I need right now.

You know. That whole emotional self expression through writing thing. Remember back when that was popular, before our creative culture was subverted for profit?

Anyway, I still plan on finishing The Scion Suit/The Scions, but it is on the back burner for now.

About Writing

Context

Autumn

I posted the second half of chapter 2 for The Scions yesterday, which gives the basic setup for the rest of the story.

Yes, Hartmann is crazy.

And, driven by a mixture of resentment, jealousy, and competition, he decides to pursue Carol for a possessive relationship.

For those who are unfamiliar with The Scion Suit world, Carol’s responses are probably going to be uncomfortable to read. There is a reason behind them, as there is a reason for Hartmann’s craziness. Also, since I’ve chosen to place the camera (so to speak) behind Hartmann’s shoulder, we’re seeing Carol through his interpretation.

I’m not a cookie-cutter genre writer, and I don’t color in the lines. I write to express the human condition, and not everyone lives a sheltered and privileged life. Not everything is pretty.

Anyway, I guess I just want to give the proper context for this story. The hard part about throwing it out there is knowing that many people aren’t going to understand it. Consequently, I feel protective of both Hartmann and Carol — I’m not out to vilify or condemn anyone.

I don’t usually get so emotionally attached, but this story is special.

byautumnrain.com

About Writing

Prelude to The Scions

Autumn

I did some poking around at my blog stats, and found it interesting that the “science fiction” tag got nowhere near the same amount of attention as “romance.” This is relevant because I’m going to resume posting The Scions this month, and I deliberately chose to keep the romance tag away from it.

Which is fine. I know that we’re all supposed to be seeking popularity like the little dopamine junkies we are, but this particular camel can’t handle another piece of straw.

I want to get back into feeling like a writer, without any obligations to the outside world.

So.

Despite the fact that the bulk of The Scions is about the relationship between MSG Hartmann and Carol the cleaning lady, I don’t consider this story to be a romance.

Alice and the Warden is a romance, because the overall tone is cute with lots of positive emotions. I wrote it because I wanted something fun to indulge in. At the end of the day, I wanted it to be a delightful experience for everyone who reads it.

The Scions, on the other hand, is supposed to be a little messed up. Philosophical explorations and all that jazz. Look. I didn’t really want to write it, but the idea kept screaming in my head until I acquiesced to its demands. I don’t know what sort of emotional impact it’s going to have, but I sincerely hope no one decides to emulate the story in real life. It’s philosophical.

That said, I actually am enjoying the writing process with this one. Don’t judge it too harshly.

Which is why I’m content with obscurity.

About Writing

TBM remake

Autumn

The other night I had an absolutely hilarious dream about The Black Magus, where the two main characters were bad stereotypes.

Lily was recast as a socially awkward red-head, desperately trying to get the Black Magus’s attention through not-so-subtle means. At one point, she had her phone in hand and was fretting about whether or not she should call him, talking to herself, “I didn’t steal his phone number; I borrowed it.”

Ainmire had short black hair, and dressed all in black. He was too caught up in his own self-importance to actually care about anyone else, but for his own amusement he decided to throw that awkward red-head a bone — because, c’mon, she was being ridiculously obvious about wanting him.

Even as I was dreaming it, I kept thinking about how ridiculous it was.

But it would make for a fun spoof.

And yes, I dream about my own novels and characters.#WeirdoWriter

Does anyone else miss calling them pound signs?

About Writing

Zombies

Autumn

I don’t lurk around the internet as much as I used to.

Truth is, I don’t think that the internet inherently brings out the worst in people. I think that it’s being used to manipulate people into awful behavior.

But anyway, I used to really love blogs and read a fair number of them. As a writer, I’m a bit of a voyeur when it comes to other people’s minds, and blogs were the perfect way to peer into a wide range of thoughts and lifestyles. My reading list ranged from the-Mormon-next-door to BDSM sex blogs … Maybe I shouldn’t admit to that, lol.

Several years ago, a woman I followed had a miscarriage. In the ensuing emotional fallout, she broke up with her boyfriend because he reminded her of their lost baby, wrote about how she was drifting aimlessly, and frequently referenced how unexpected and painful it had been.

Last year, someone else I followed also had a miscarriage. However, this time it was referenced as a short note explaining why they were taking time off, and they were back to their usual posts literally three days later. The miscarriage was never mentioned again.

Philosophically, I’m a vitalist. Our existence as living beings matters.

The woman, who’s entire world was shattered over the loss of her baby, was fundamentally alive. She experienced and expressed her pain in a way that made sense and was relatable as a human being. While I didn’t agree with all of her choices (her boyfriend sounded like one of those wonderful supportive sorts, and breaking up with him when he was similarly hurting seemed pointlessly destructive), I could at least understand why she made those choices.

But, the person last year who had a miscarriage came across more like a bot. Okay, so they didn’t want to air their private life on the internet, but … only three days offline? Since when is that an appropriate mourning period for a tragic loss?

Heck, when I had my own miscarriage, I dedicated an entire month to mourning, wallowing, and tantruming, and even that felt like I was putting my emotional recovery on the fast track. Heaven knows how long it would have taken if I hadn’t so singularly focused on it.

Three days is just sociopathic.

I don’t like the comparisons between then and now. I don’t like knowing that the virus for zombification is electronically transmitted through the internet.

I don’t like peeking into other people’s minds anymore.

About Writing

Writing in 2022

Autumn

I had made it my goal to publish a book every year, but at this point I can definitely say that it’s not going to happen in 2022.

It’s been a chaotic year.

At the very least, I can say that this year was dedicated to fairly big events, like having baby #6, and saving our cat’s life at the cost of her leg — there was never a point where I could have been writing, but just didn’t. So hey, good enough for me.

Dear master sergeant Hartmann, one day you will grasp the object of your desires. But probably not this month.

And CR1515 will have to wait until next year to continue his steamy philosophical rants. You have no idea how much I enjoy writing a cynical cyborg.

On that note, I’ve had this particular quote by CR1515 echoing in my head of late.

Humans have become the worst combination of lazy and entitled. They don’t want me to be relatable – they want to hate me because they know that I am superior to their celebrations of mediocrity and failure. They don’t want to achieve anything great, or even to manage their own basic survival, and they will attack anything that reflects their own pathetic state back to them.

This speech is promptly followed with lots and lots of delicious arguing, lol. Gosh I miss the bickering and ranting in that story.

Maybe (and this is a big MAYBE) I’ll get away with publishing both The Scion Suit Multiverse and CR1515 next year … provided no one loses any more limbs.

About Writing

On Self-Publishing

Autumn

There’s a stereotype that authors who self-publish aren’t good enough to cut it with the publishing houses. Personally, I have never once tried to submit a manuscript to anyone, and have always skipped straight to self-publishing instead.

I decided during my childhood that I wanted to be a writer, and as a teenager, I started paying attention to what sorts of manuscripts publishing companies would accept. I learned before I graduated from high school that “high quality” was not the deciding factor for what was accepted.

On the benign side of things, manuscripts get rejected for reasons like, “We’ve already published five mecha scifi books this year.” It doesn’t matter if yours is well-written with relatable characters and hard hitting philosophies, it’s going to get rejected the second someone sees the word “mecha.” Tuff luck. The position has already been filled.

But here we are in the year 2022, and everything revolves around The Agenda.

Which is why a novel that barely qualifies as English but has tons and tons of buttsecks is going to be published over literally anything “hetero-normative.”

I’m the sort of weirdo that doesn’t particularly care about who is and who isn’t having buttsecks. I’m not going to get preachy one way or the other.

However, I am very passionate about things like Divine Femininity and motherhood. I rant about how pregnancy is treated by society more like a biological defect than a sacred honor. Feminine characteristics are not inferior. I embrace philosophies that are shitcanned for being “hetero-normative” because they involve female fertility.

Figures.

So I self-publish.

About Writing

Christian Erotica

Autumn

Mary (Biblical name) lives in a small town with her parents, but she doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life despite the fact that she’s, like, 27 and should have at least gone to college or worked a full-time job by that point.

Kevin (non-Biblical name) has a cute butt, his own company, and visits his grandma for dinner every Sunday, but is religiously confused. He takes an interest in Mary and flirts with her at the grocery store. She likes him, but is deeply concerned that he doesn’t attend church.

Mary attends church and refers to them as her “family.” The pastor belittles her for being seen in public with a non-member. Mary sobs in shame. Mary’s parents warn her that she’s going down a dangerous path. Mary questions God.

In a moment of weakness, Mary goes on a date with Kevin. They have a really good time, and she agrees to go back to his place. They kiss. They kiss more. Kevin takes off his shirt. Mary thinks he’s really hot.

Mary is about to remove her own clothing, when she instead starts to think about Jesus. Mary sobs in shame. Mary explains to Kevin about how much Jesus loves them, and how disappointed He is in their behavior. Kevin also sobs in shame.

The next day, Kevin is converted to Christianity and begins to attend church.

They talk about maybe getting married in ten years, after Mary flakes around a lot then panics about missing her window of fertility. Kevin is inexplicably okay with the wasted time.

Wide shot of a church with the choir singing in the distance, while Mary serves jam at the church social. Everyone is smiling.

~Fin~