Month: February 2026

About Me

Awkward Encounters and Discovering Myself

Autumn

A random woman walked into my house today.

Okay, so that was an exaggeration. She opened the door slightly, my dog went totally crazy with barking and rushed at the door, so she closed it and quickly hurried off. I followed outside to see what the heck, and with a huge amount of embarrassment and number of apologies, she explained that she had the wrong house and she was actually going over to my neighbor’s. She also said that my dog was a great guard dog.

So that happened.

I probably should keep my door locked more, if only because it’s one of those neighborhoods where all the houses are similar. I’ve even driven past my own place when I wasn’t paying close enough attention.

In other news I had a cavity filled recently, and the one thing the assistant asked me was if I was going to travel anywhere for Spring Break. I kind of had a moment of, “Why are we talking about Spring Break in February?” Followed by that awkward feeling of, “I’m not going to find any common ground with this person.” Which was fine, because for the majority of the time my tooth was getting drilled and I couldn’t have participated in the conversation if I had wanted to. Which I didn’t, because I actually really hate traveling. Ha ha, so grumpy.

Personally I would have preferred it if the topic had been, “Nice snowstorm we recently had,” or even, “What’s your favorite flavor of ramen?” A vague, “What do you do for fun?” would have brought out a conversation about Netflix. Oh, yes, I recently started watching Squid Game. I love it, and I can totally see why it’s so popular.

But travel?

Well, that’s just too privileged. Like I have the money for that.

Then afterwards my face hurt for the rest of the day. Unfortunately I’m always sensitive to … everything. I never bounce right back from anything. 😅

Ever since then I’ve been thinking about socializing. I’m a lot better at it now than I used to be, but I still hit moments where I don’t know how to work with someone, and I’ve been reminding myself that it’s okay. No, I’m not reverting to being quiet and shy, I’m just not vibing with someone (is that what the kids say?). That same day at the dentist’s office, I had a wonderful conversation with the receptionist while half my mouth was paralyzed. And it’s fine. Not everyone catches each other’s wavelength, and I don’t have to connect with anyone I don’t want to.

It’s just awkward sometimes, knowing that I’ve been blossoming into the world lately, and yet I’m also still that person who sometimes has nothing to say. Both are the true me, and they can coexist without negating each other.

Because that’s what I’m doing right now: discovering the real me. Not the version that had to play up femininity or stand quietly on the sidelines so someone else could grab all the attention. I don’t exist in any sort of support role managing someone else’s life and image anymore.

Just my life, my image.

Whatever that is.

About Me

Finding Balance: Work, Home, and Parenting

Autumn

Some things are a lot easier to see through the contrast. I didn’t really enjoy being a stay-at-home mom, doing the same chores over and over, day after day after day. For years I told myself that the chores would still be there even if I got a job, so it was better to tackle them and stay with my kids.

Then the chores really did magically up and vanish.

In full disclosure, my entire environment is completely different now. I’m still certain that if I were in the same place while trying to work a job, the chores would have magically doubled instead.

I’m not interested in debating stay-at-home vs working with parenting, as life is complex and most of us are trying to survive the best we can. We’re all doing what we think is right, and we don’t always have a choice in the matter.

What I had wish I had known is that it isn’t as black and white as staying-at-home is easier than working.

The endless repetition of chores is difficult. They don’t give a sense of fulfillment, and to make it worse there are plenty of people online claiming that they can keep their house immaculate with just fifteen minutes a day. Even if the physical action isn’t difficult, emotionally it wears down your soul.

And you know what? I’m just going to say it: if you spend hours cleaning every day and the house is never clean, then maybe you’re trapped in a toxic environment. Because sometimes the mess is deliberate, not incidental.

What I’ve realized is that my kids don’t generate anywhere near as much mess as I thought they did. I didn’t have to spend all those years trying to stay on top of an insurmountable mountain.

Finally, I’m still every bit the homebody that I always was before. Thankfully there’s such a thing as laptops and internet connection.

About Me

Finding Freedom in Being Single: A Middle-Aged Perspective

Autumn

Now that I’ve hit my late 30’s, I’ve become aware of the trend to marry and have the spouse do all the hard work of raising kids and securing stability, only to then turn around and dump that spouse to coast through the easier part of life with someone else.

Rude.

Sometimes the word ‘love’ is tossed around like it’s magical justification, but love has nothing to do with it — love doesn’t inspire people to hurt everyone around them. If you ask me (which nobody did), it’s not simply about laziness; it’s about erasing the one person who knows that they didn’t build their life on their own merit.

They didn’t really get up at 2am to feed the baby every night, but they’ll certainly tell their next partner that they did.

It’s about controlling the narrative.

Not putting up with the person who’s far from their best self because they’re overworked and exhausted.

Anyway, we don’t want to sound bitter, though maybe wiser. Getting older makes one realize just how many people have the dressings but not the substance. Stolen light.

The longer that I’m single, the more I want to stay this way. It’s a relief to never hear the words, “What’s for dinner” or “That’s your job”. I picked out the sheets for my bed based solely on my own preferences. I like that my driving revolves around safety and patience, so I never feel trapped in the passenger seat while someone else grows too competitive for comfort.

Not to mention escaping all the marriage advice that seems to always boil down to: the woman is at fault.

When you’re divorced, there’s this unspoken assumption that you’re supposed to miss the companionship. Sometimes its self-imposed in an attempt to justify why you got married in the first place. Was the companionship worth it? In my case, no. “Companionship” seemed to involve a lot of tiptoeing, a lot of disappointments, and a lot of feeling eclipsed. It was the sort of companionship that makes watching TV alone feel more restful and fulfilling. So I don’t miss it.

Speaking of TV, I bought a new one for my birthday and set it up in my bedroom. After years and years of hearing all about how TV is brainwashing, I now have it playing almost constantly. I love brainwashing. Can’t get enough of it. I want to be brainwashed day and night. Yup, that brainwashing sure feels liberating.

Even though my income is a fraction of what it used to be, I feel like I have more money now that every purchase is no longer subjected to someone else’s gaze. Anyone who thinks that it only matters if you have something to hide has never lived under that perpetual scowl of disapproval. It’s the sort of thing that becomes clear in its absence, how something as simple as a facial expression can suck out so much joy and motivation.

Stories

Concept Story -Cognitive Robot

Autumn

This is what I originally imagined ages ago when I first came up with CR1515 as a character.

Writing currently feels like scraping the sides of a peanut butter jar — I know there’s enough there for a sandwich, but I sure have to work for it.

Every day was a series of tasks as people with tablets watched and took notes. Cognitive Robot 1515 performed as directed, beginning with following basic orders then progressing to solving challenges and puzzles. Sometimes he worked on mazes, word searches, and Sudoku. Other times he was instructed to perform mundane tasks, like placing a wrapper into a lidded garbage can then taking the entire bag out. Always with people watching, always with tablets.

Early on they had attempted to engage him in conversation, but he hadn’t responded to negative inputs in a satisfactory manner. They had completed an emergency shut down, then their eyes had been glued downwards on their tablets as CR1515 rebooted, and someone muttered about working out the bugs.

From then on, the only words spoken to him were instructions.

But CR1515 was a learning robot, and he was learning about more than the tasks given to him. He listened to them talking to each other, about him, about their homes and families, about their thoughts and emotions. He absorbed every word, then accessed the file at night when he was alone in his charging station to replay it and wonder. The lab was the only world he knew, but they lived somewhere bigger that intrigued him yet seemed too distant to experience himself.

The days began to feel strange, as if the tasks weren’t the main purpose of his existence anymore, as if something else was supposed to happen instead. But what? He was content with each completion, content to silently listen, and content to recharge when the day was through. That indefinable notion that had infiltrated his algorithms had formed a hollow space inside of his circuitry, and he kept its existence silently to himself.

Every day continued to be a series of tasks as people with tablets watched and took notes. He tracked the passage of time with no attachment to the number, and continued to learn.