Tag: journal

art

The Art of Weaving: Tying Emotions to Objects

Autumn

Recently I watched the anime movie, Maquia: When the Promised Flower Blooms, and at one point someone offers their sage advice to the main character to let the fabric she weaves tell her story and weep for her. Or something like that. I confess that this is one of those movies that hits me right in the “feels” and I spent the entire time crying, so my memory of the exact conversation is probably lacking. But, you know, close enough.

That idea got me thinking. I also enjoy weaving, and while I don’t have the ability to literally encode messages into the cloth I make, I can still pour my intentions into it.

So I made a “story cloth” for myself. As I passed the shuttle back and forth between my hands, I meditated deeply on all of the events of this past year, so now it can always hold the truth of my experiences. It holds my story for me, so that I can let it go and move forward to create a new one.

I’m a bit of a metaphorical person, but we already knew that. The funny thing about being a genre writer is how it bleeds into reality, and I have a touch of that magical thinking in everything I do.

The yarn is Lily Sugar n Cream cotton, and I hand-dyed it myself. It’s small enough to fit neatly on the top of my dresser, with plenty of room for … all those other things that seem to end up on top of dressers, lol. The hand-dyed colors combined with plain weave make me think of crosshatching with colored pencils, and it’s especially pleasant to look at from a distance.

I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to take a moment to share my two cents:

During my class on domestic violence, there was a time when the teacher gave us the assignment to do something nice for ourselves during the week. Most of the other women said that they were going to do things like giving themselves more patience, more compassion, more understanding, which are all very good things. But the problem is that when one is eyeballs deep in stressful situations and in the process of healing from emotional damage, it’s hard to remember abstract ideals like patience. Plus, how do you measure if you’re giving yourself “more”? How do you know if you’ve succeeded?

My belief is that it’s better to tie those ideals to something physical. Whatever you chose should be very individual and personal, but an example could be a bead necklace, and every time you catch yourself fiddling with it, you tell yourself, “I am worthy of patience. I am allowed heal at my own pace.”

You see?

Or maybe acrylic fingernails that serve to remind you that you’re worthy of feeling beautiful. A sweater that helps you feel comfort. A ring that keeps you grounded whenever you twist it on your finger.

Something. Anything. The objects themselves don’t matter as much as the thoughts that you tie onto them. The point is to remind you to think the sorts of thoughts that you want to be thinking.

Of course, my disclaimer again is that I’m not perfect. This is something that has helped me cope so I’m sharing it with you, but I am by no means an expert or a therapist.

About Me

Navigating Healing: How Fictional Characters Inspire Personal Growth

Autumn

One of the nice things about being a writer is that I can step outside of myself and ask, “How would a confident character handle this situation?”

Then I give myself guidelines to follow, and do my best to emulate how my imaginary character would be navigating my real life.

For example, I’ve given myself the very strict rule of no rebound dating. At first I felt done with relationships altogether, so it wasn’t really that big of an issue … but as time wears on, I find myself missing simple things like hand holding more and more. But since the last thing that I want to do is drive off a perfectly good partner with unresolved emotional baggage (or pick a bad one because of said baggage), I’m holding fast to my rule. This time is for rebuilding myself, and that’s what I’m going to do! Even if it leaves me feeling lonely.

Back during the summer, I told my domestic violence class that I was going out of my way to do one fun activity a week, outside of the daily grind and responsibilities, to remind myself that life still had a lot of enjoyable and beautiful things to offer. And I meant it. I was — and still am — doing my best to engage in some small activity every week, like hiking and baking.

But here’s the dark side to trying to emulate a fictional character: I felt like an impostor after saying that.

Despite the fact that my actions were true to my words, inside I didn’t feel like I was having all that much fun. Inside, I had days where I kinda wanted to step in front of a moving train. But I didn’t confess that to anyone, because I didn’t want anyone to stress and worry over me. I was already suffering from enough guilt over the events that landed me in a domestic violence class in the first place, and I didn’t want to add to it. I didn’t want it to turn into a Big Deal. So instead, I took my kids to the zoo so that they could have something exciting.

Enough time has passed now that the painful emotions are settling down, but the habits are still here. Still eating ice cream every Sunday, and going on long walks by the river. Still taking the kids to the park, and still looking for shapes in the clouds. Still watching the sunset.

My heart isn’t back yet to where it used to be. I’m still grieving the loss of the life I thought that I would have, and still trying to wrap my mind around what my future is going to be like. But it’s okay to feel a little bit like an impostor because my insides aren’t matching up to my outsides, because as long as I keep doing my best I’m sure that they’ll synchronize once again. One day I’ll see rainbows and feel the beauty with my entire soul.

I just have to keep looking up.

About Me

How Adopting a Puppy Changed My Life

Autumn

During this last summer, I adopted a puppy.

I got him primarily for emotional support, since I had sunk into the despair of, “I can’t do anything right,” but couldn’t shake the idea that it would be good for me to get a dog, so that I could learn assertiveness and have a constant companion. So, when I came across *the puppy* that felt right for me, I took the gamble.

I affectionately refer to him as my “spaniel mutt,” because deep down inside I don’t really understand why everything has to have some cutesy mixed name, like “spadorkadoodle.” I guess I’m still fundamentally a cat person.

First, I did not anticipate the puppy biting being as big of a challenge as it is. All of those online videos make it look so easy to correct, but instead my puppy would get more riled up whenever I tried to use those tactics and bite even more, go figure. To make it more fun, there was a wide range of advice on the topic, ranging from, “Dogs need to learn the difference between soft biting and hard biting somehow,” to, “Any amount of teeth is bad bad bad.” So, we keep toys scattered through the house for some quick re-direction, and he bites way less than he used to, so he’s probably outgrowing it? I know that people can get quite passionate about dog training, so maybe I’m opening myself up to criticism here, har har. Be nice to me, I’m going through a hard time.

Potty training, on the other hand, was much easier than I expected. Maybe because, as a mom, I’m already used to directing small creatures to go pee, and it’s second nature to me now.

The biggest surprise about owning a dog is the social aspect.

I’m not referring to the fact that dogs are pack animals, but rather how much of an ice-breaker they are for socializing with strangers. It turns out that people with dogs are much more likely to stop and chitchat when you also have a dog.

I’m going to take a moment here for a bit of a soap-box rant: It seems like I’ve spent a long time surrounded by general negative attitudes towards strangers, with people complaining about randos smiling and saying “hello,” just because they happen to pass nearby, but I always liked it — I’m the weirdo who enjoys feeling like I exist in society, I guess. As I’ve been reevaluating my life, it’s occurred to me that maybe socializing with strangers isn’t such a faux pas, and that all of those Negative Nellies are the ones with the problem, not me. I can smile and say hello to whoever I want to, thank-you-very-much! In the culture I grew up in, we referred to such things as, “Brightening someone’s day,” and that’s how I’m going to see it until the day I die.

Anyway, obviously not everyone with a dog wants to stop and chat, but generally speaking the more outgoing the dog is, the more outgoing the owner is, and people really love talking about their dogs. It makes it easy to establish those brief connections.

The thing is, when everything in your life is unexpectedly turned upside down, it’s the small things that provide the best anchor points to keep yourself grounded. Impromptu conversations help provide a sense of normalcy and acceptance, even when it feels like everything has gone to pieces. They aren’t that magic elixir that makes the emotional pain stop hurting, but they still help.

I’m not some guru who has it all figured out. I can’t tell you any steps to make life instantly easier, since all I know how to do is drag myself out of bed even when I don’t want to. Sometimes, all it takes is getting up to let the dog outside to do his business, and from there the rest of the day will fall into place.

I want to add that my children thoroughly love having a dog, and still often talk about how awesome it is. They spend lots of time playing fetch and tug-o-war, and enjoy helping with the puppy’s training.

Adopting a puppy was a good decision.

youtube

Runemaster: My Process of Writing and AI Art Creation

Autumn

I made a video!

I know I know, I’m very amateur and should probably be embarrassed — and one day I will be! But for now, everyone has to start somewhere.

So yes, that’s my voice. You know how it is when you’re not used to the sound of your recorded voice, so you keep asking yourself over and over, “Is that really what I sound like?” I’m totally mortified! 😅

But you know, this was fun! Expect more videos in the future.

The runes at the bottom of the thumbnail are: Solwilo, Othala, Isa, and Berkana — sun, inheritance, ice, and birch tree.

About Me

Embracing Change: My Journey After Divorce

Autumn

It’s been a very bad year.

I’m still pretty scared to talk about specifics, so suffice to say that I had a plethora of brand new experiences, met a variety of people, and stepped well outside of my comfort zone in ways that I never would have imagined.

Oh, and I’m also now divorced.

Turns out that you can spend years working your butt off to love and care for your soulmate, only to have it turn out that you’re the wrong “context” for them and they don’t want to be with you anymore. Oh, and they also loathe the way you state the obvious. And the way you associate concepts together. And, and, and …

Maybe one day my heart will stop hemorrhaging.

You know all those statistics that claim that women fare better emotionally after divorces? Not true in my case. Aside from the soul-crushing devastation, there’s the intense feelings of betrayal and rejection, as well as feeling like a defective failure at life. Did this happen because I’m too fat? I dunno. Better stop eating just in case.

Only I know I’m not fat. It’s the stress and pain triggering body dysmorphia — my subconscious attempt to take control of something that’s completely out of my control. Even if I weighed only 90lbs and had the flattest abs in the world, I’d still be discarded. I’m still “that” woman.

So I’ve spent hours and hours crying until I was too dehydrated and exhausted to keep crying. I’ve had numerous meltdowns, and moments when it felt like I didn’t have the strength to keep living. Life doesn’t come with a pause button that lets you get your feet back underneath you, it just keeps plowing ahead no matter what’s going on, and getting dragged along leaves you feeling even more banged up.

Then one day I woke up and I felt like eating again. So it is true that time does eventually heal some wounds.

Though I am now dirt-eating poor.

I looked into getting a job or attending an online community college, but those options didn’t feel remotely right for me. You know how it is when everything you built up over the years gets abruptly yanked out from underneath you, you feel trapped in an aimless free fall where absolutely nothing could possibly get worse than it already is, and you say to yourself, “Well, I did always want to earn a living as a writer.”

That’s what I’m going to do.

I’m going to earn a living as a writer. It’s not just about getting by, but finding a new purpose in life — a reason for everything, and a means to express the hurt.

When I feel sad, I can research and implement marketing tactics to keep myself distracted (especially now that I know that I can survive far outside of my comfort zone). I can write about how much I hate men in my novels (facetious exaggeration, don’t take that seriously). I can start churning out as much fiction as I can possibly write, and I will build a new life for myself that can’t be unraveled so easily. And I will do it all while still cooking delicious dinners and homeschooling my children, because I can be that awesome no matter how hard it is. Sleep is overrated anyway.

I’ve spent the last few months telling myself over and over, “If you want things to be different, then you have to do something different.”

And I’m starting to feel ready to do something different.

About Me

January 2024

Autumn

I’ve referenced this before, but the reason I was all but absent for most of 2023 was because there was a lot going on. I got my kids started on a new online school program, and while we’ve been very happy with it, we still had to adjust and figure out what the heck we were doing. It’s taken up an enormous amount of mental energy.

There was also a big 5000-mile road trip across the US with all of our kids. It went pretty well for the most part, with only one heart-stopping moment of our van dying at a gas station near the SC/NC border — but it turned out that the battery terminal had wiggled lose, so it was a quick and easy fix. Phew.

And my 16-year-old cat died. Two days afterwards I came down with one of the worst sinus infections that I’ve ever had in my entire life, and my sinuses still aren’t 100% recovered from it.

The cherry on top was that with everything going on, I forgot to hydrate adequately and got a small kidney stone. Such adventures!

Anyway, that’s enough of that. I could say a lot more, but I don’t want to sound all complain-y and negative. Let’s just say that if one of my future novels includes a wasp attack, it is 100% based on real life.

On the brighter side, I have put in a lot of effort to expand my culinary experiences, and have even tried my hand at sous vide!

I suppose that one of the perks about being a writer is that I tend to view the events of my life with a sort of detached amusement after all is said and done. Don’t get me wrong, I struggle through like any other person would, but eventually it comes to an end and I think to myself, “I could put that in a story.”

Unfortunately, I seem to be quite rusty with creating graphics for my blog. Like, wow, I used to do this all the time, and now it’s a little weird and confusing. Heck, I even looked at Canva to see if I could simplify the process (I currently use GIMP), but that site wanted me to pay to use anything remotely appealing, and I’m WAY too cheap for that. I’ll stick with open source, thank-you-very-much!

With so much of my energy going into my kids’ online school, I’m not anticipating being able to update more than once a week. However, I will announce that I currently have 25,000 words written for a new novel, so pretty soon here I’ll start posting that. You know, when I get my graphics figured out, lol.

Always let something petty stop you from following through! It’s called procrastination. 🤣

About Me

Journal

Autumn

In terms of my personal life, we’ve been stuck in a streak of bad luck for awhile. The water heater broke and had to be replaced, we went on a hike and got attacked by wasps, car trouble to spare … plenty of big stuff mixed in with tiny tragedies. Enough that there hasn’t been a moment to stop and breathe.

This year I decided to sign my kids up for an online charter school, and we’re making the adjustment. It’s got more structure than what we were doing with our homeschooling before, but it’s still self-paced and interest-driven, and shouldn’t be confused with “school at home” that a number of parents participated in during the pandemic (hur hur).

My five-year-old’s kindergarten class is basically playing on an app for 30 minutes a day to learn reading, math, and science. It’s pretty easy.

Anyway, my biggest reason for making the change is that it opened up a lot of resources to us for no cost; for example, my 7-year-old received a STEM circuitry kit for one of his classes, and so far it’s his absolute favorite subject.

And apparently, there’s a Minecraft Education Edition.

Hopefully once we get settled into our new routine, we won’t have any more time to deal with bad luck. Right? HA HA!

At the very least, a lot of the plumbing was updated, the cars have been given an enormous amount of TLC, and we know to stay away from logs while out in nature. It’s been a season of personal growth, that’s for sure.

Stable Diffusion XL
About Me

Snow and more snow

Autumn

This is the winter than never ends …

So, I’ve become even more of a space cadet now that I’ve taken to spending each day waiting for the snow to stop falling. Is there such a thing as sunlight and warmth? I don’t know. Maybe it was all a dream …

Returning to seriousness, I’m beginning to suffer from a sense of guilt. I enjoy my Spring Cleaning routine of opening windows and chasing the stuffy winter air out of the house, yet here we are in April and I have yet to scrub down anything. The rugs need to be shampooed. The car could use a thorough vacuuming. I feel so lazy.

But I can’t exactly drag the shopvac out into the snow, now can I.

Don’t mind me while I wilt over here. I’m sure that Spring will come eventually.

Or the world is in for a lot of trouble.

XD

About Me

Online

Autumn

Technical difficulties left us without internet for a few days. Naturally the kids complained, and I was all, “When I was your age, we didn’t have the internet at all.”

Cue feeling old.

I think my family got online around ’98 when I was 10, with dial up over the phone lines so no one could make or receive any calls while it was connected, which severely limited how much time we spent on the internet. Kind of crazy thinking back to how much the world has changed since then.

Anyway, it was kind of a spontaneous vacation. Got pancakes at IHOP, went to a craft store in person, spent time at our local indoor swimming pool, and roasted coffee beans over charcoal briquettes to see how it would taste, despite there still being snow on the ground.

Now here I am, not doing anything particularly useful because the internet is back. I question everything.

Sorry about not updating The Scions on Monday, but I didn’t get it set up before the technical difficulties started. With everything as it is, I figure that I can resume next week.

About Me

Cat update

Autumn

The 16-year-old dying cat is peeing on everything.

I’m resigned to simply dealing with it until the inevitable. I’ve told the children many times over that they need to keep the doors to their bedrooms shut to prevent the cat from peeing on their things as well. Naturally, they didn’t listen, and I’ve had to do some extra laundry loads as a result.

I’ve been keeping old towels on the floor in the kitchen, to encourage the cat to pee on them instead of anything else. Easier to manage. Somewhat works. We already have an easily accessible low-profile litter box for the three-legged cat, and at least he’s doing his other business in there.

Death is such a tricky subject, particularly with these slow moving conditions. We know the cat’s kidneys are failing, he occasionally throws up uric acid, but he’s on a (ridiculously expensive) specialized low-protein diet, and he does seem to be holding steady. I could be cleaning up cat pee and vomit for awhile.

Better than ‘died suddenly’. Please excuse the smell, we’re all coping with something over here. It’s still too wintery to bust out the spring cleaning supplies. Heavy snowstorms and all that. Maybe in March.