Tag: journal

About Me

Contemporary Fade to White

Autumn

If I were to write Fade to White today, it would be a very different story. For starters, it was written before I started listening to bands like Within Temptation and Kamelot.

I’m not posting the novella because I think it’s good — it’s a snapshot of how I used to be.  When I look at the story, I can see the battle between who I was and who I thought I should be during a pivotal moment in my life. Fade to White was written by the girl who went to college, because everyone told her she should.

I am now the woman who said “Fuck you, it’s my life,” and made my own choices against enormous amounts of criticism. Who knew that random strangers would be so invested in whether or not I had a college degree? And that was only the beginning.

Quite a few plot events happened because I thought they were the sorts of things that should have happened. Characters are rigidly righteous because I thought that was how protagonists should be. The romance is slow paced, because I was told that was how all relationships had to happen.

Nowadays my definition of ‘good’ is more fluid. Would a contemporary Tryne become upset at Jerek for being Nosaj’s heir? Probably not. She would likely conspire to use him as the perfect inside man.

The characters would be far more interested in flat-out revenge.

Insidious, convoluted, and dark.

The ending would be completely different, but we haven’t posted that far yet.

Fade to White

Fade to White chapter 17

Autumn

Fade to White

Chapter Seventeen

Making it to the edge of the clearing of Tryne’s farm, Jerek felt his strength drain completely from his body, and suddenly he was lying horizontal on the ground. His horse stopped this time, lowering its head down to bite at the soft grass. Rolling onto his back, Jerek stared up at the blue sky, resting his hands across his stomach and feeling relaxed. He didn’t want to ever move again. In fact, what he felt like doing was going to sleep. Seemingly on their own, his eyelids closed and blocked out the view he had of the world around him.

Soft warm hands touched his face, and he slowly opened one eye. The sky was lighter, a pinkish hue that signified dawn. Her hair was loose around her face, and hanging down toward him as she leaned over him, her facial features seeming to be even softer and more beautiful in the pale light.

“Come on Jerek,” Tryne whispered, “We’re going inside.”

Jerek sat up, and put his hand to his forehead as dizziness suddenly washed over him. Feeling sick, he leaned forward, squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his teeth. He could hear Tryne gasp, then her hot hands touched his shoulders and guided him forward so he was braced up against her body. Putting both of his arms around her, Jerek pulled her tightly against his cold chest, resting his cheek against her hair.

“I need you to stand up Jerek. I can’t carry you to the cottage.”

“Just . . .” Jerek’s voice cracked, “. . . a little bit . . .”

“Shh, don’t speak. We’ll wait as long as we need to.”

“Tryne, I’m sorry.”

A hot tear splashed against Jerek’s frozen skin, surprising him. Tryne buried her head in the crook of his neck, and he could feel more of her tears falling. “I shouldn’t,” she sobbed, “but I do. I love you, Jerek.”

Jerek pushed Tryne slightly away from him so he could see into her eyes. He brushed away a tear with his thumb, putting both of his hands against her cheeks. Then, lips slightly parted, he kissed her, holding her so tightly against him he almost couldn’t breathe. But, he didn’t really want to breathe. He just wanted her.

Something inside Ramo broke, and he pulled himself back behind the tree, sinking to the ground. Water flowed freely from his eyes as he rested his head against his knees, and he put his hands up to his ears. Everything made so much sense to him now, and he felt stupid for not realizing it sooner, for not being able to see this coming.

Jerek was in love with a woman.

Ramo knew he had no claims over Jerek, and he had no right to be as upset as he was. Jerek had made it very clear that he would never feel any tender emotions toward him, yet despite that Ramo had continued holding on to the hope that some day Jerek would. At the very least, he had hoped that he would forever be Jerek’s one and only friend. Even that had been ripped away from him, because of that girl. A sudden and deep hatred filled Ramo’s chest, directed toward the female who had the gall to touch Jerek. She had gotten into Jerek’s head, manipulating and controlling him to the point where Jerek had turned against the Commander and King. That had to be the answer. There was no other way that Jerek could possibly be in love with someone, no other reason for the things that he had said to Ramo. Someone else was controlling him.

That girl needed to be exterminated before she could cause any more damage.

Standing up, Ramo pressed his hand against his heart. Even if Jerek wasn’t himself, it still hurt to see him kiss a girl like that. It hurt a lot. Treading softly, Ramo walked deeper into the forest to where he had dismounted his horse and headed back to the castle. It was important that the Commander heard about this right away.

“You’re so cold,” Tryne whispered, brushing her hand through the side of Jerek’s hair and feeling along his arm. “Can you come inside?”

Nodding, Jerek pushed himself up but faltered slightly. Tryne caught hold of him, and putting his arm around her shoulders, supported him as they slowly shuffled their way to the cottage. Inside, Tryne sat Jerek down on one of the beds, then immediately filled the kettle with water and put it on the stove.

“What happened to you?” she asked, pulling out a few rags and dumping them on the floor next to the bed, sitting on her knees next to them.

“I was whipped for disobedience.”

“Didn’t you say that you were the heir to Nosaj?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Will you please tell me the truth now?”

Taking a deep breath, Jerek looked away for a moment then met Tryne’s eyes again. “Nosaj adopted me when I was five years old after my parents died in a fire. I was raised for the sole purpose of being his successor, and recently I had started carrying out Nosaj’s dirty work for him. Destroying Opal was my doing.”

“What about the orphans? Did you really take their sister in exchange for letting them go?”

“Heh, yeah.” Jerek shook his head, grinning slightly but using his hand to cover it. “I shouldn’t have, since I was supposed to kill everyone and leave no survivors. If Nosaj had known about the orphans, he would have been furious with me. He chastised me over the girl, though I knew he was pleased with her.”

“Is she still there with him?”

“No, I killed her.”

Pulling a disgusted face, Tryne looked away and stood up, walking over to the stove and looking at the kettle.

“Tryne.” Jerek stood up as well, moving right behind her. “I didn’t mean to kill her.”

“Did you have anything to do with my Mother’s death?”

“No. From the very first day I met you, I didn’t have anything to do with Nosaj’s actions at all. I was completely unaware of them until after they happened.”

Turning around to face Jerek, Tryne asked, “How do I know I can trust you?”

“My loyalty lies only with you, isn’t this proof enough?” Jerek spread out his arms and twisted around to show the cuts in his back.

“The water is warm enough now, go lie down on your stomach.”

Jerek did as he was ordered, feeling pained at Tryne’s unemotional tone. Dipping the rag into the water, Tryne rung it out then dabbed it at the wounds in his back, causing them to sting. Wincing, Jerek gritted his teeth and clutched at the blankets on the bed.

“I’m sorry, I know it hurts.” There was a pause, before Tryne continued asking, “Did you really sever all your ties with Nosaj? Are you really loyal only to me or is this some sort of set up?”

“I’m telling you the truth! I’m not stupid enough to do something like this just to get one person. If I intended to hurt you, I would have done it a long time ago.”

“Well I don’t know. I thought I knew you, but it turned out that I was wrong. You could be capable of anything.”

“I won’t ever deceive you ever again.” Sitting up, Jerek grabbed both of Tryne’s wrists and held them. “I love you, Tryne! I shouldn’t, I have no right to, but I do! I’ve loved you from the first moment I saw you! I loved you when you forced me to do menial labor, and I loved you for all of your silly little activities you insisted on making me do with you! I love you!”

Tryne was surprised for a second, but then smiled very warmly as she gently pushed Jerek back down. “I can’t clean your wounds if you keep moving around like that.” Putting one of her hands on Jerek’s head, she stroked his hair and whispered, “I’ll never doubt you again, my love. Stay with me for always.”

“I’ll never leave you, even if you tell me to.”

“I’m glad. Your back is probably going to be extremely sore after this. I mean, you were whipped and you rode your horse all the way here without it being bandaged up or anything. You might not even be able to move.”

Jerek grunted in reply.

“Do you still want to run away with me?”

“I intend to as soon as I can.”

“Maybe I ought to go into town and buy you some clothes. Have you ever considered wearing a black or red shirt? I bet that you would look very good in those colors.”

“White suits me just fine,” Jerek grumbled, then yawned.

“Oh, I’m sorry. You’re probably exhausted. Go ahead and sleep.”

“Don’t leave the cottage without me,” Jerek murmured, closing his eyes. “I don’t want anything happening to you. It isn’t safe in Amber.”

“I won’t.” Smiling, Tryne dipped the rag into the water again and continued wiping up Jerek’s blood. “I’ve got enough to do around here just worrying about you. I swear, you always seem to be getting yourself injured, like a wild cat that gets into fights. I have to stick around to make sure you don’t hurt yourself any more.”

Taking a deep breath, Jerek mouthed the words, “I love you,” once more before slipping off into sleep.

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About Writing

Bad Advice

Autumn

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Now that I’ve inflicted this incredibly long image on you . . .

NEVER EVER FOLLOW WRITING ADVICE FROM THE INTERNET

Yes, I really did just post that image then tell you not to follow it. However, despite all of my rampant egotism, I am aware that my own philosophy is recursive, so go ahead and ignore me.

Anyway . . .

It’s your story, and chances are that if you’re writing romance, it’s your fantasy as well. Don’t turn it into a formula.

Personally, I can’t stand slow burn “we’re just friends” relationships — I have quit quite a few novels and TV series over it. In real life, my husband and I eloped quickly after meeting, skipped the typical dating thing all together, and have a better marriage than anyone I know. That’s what I know and what I like — slow burn always comes across as contrived and indecisive.

I also hate “on again, off again,” relationships, and quit reading/watching over them as well because it’s unnecessary drama. I like it when characters stay together against every odd.

Essentially, if I followed this list I would wind up with a story that I loathed.

It’s far better to write what you love, especially when it comes to love.

Fade to White

Fade to White chapter 16

Autumn

Fade to White

Chapter Sixteen

“Commander and King,” Jerek said, turning around to face him and taking an almost defensive pose. “I was just on my way to see you.”

“Yes, perhaps you were. It seems however, that you were delayed. Are there any announcements the two of you would like to make?”

“None whatsoever.”

“Very well then. Jerek, would you be so kind as to tell me where you have been for these past few days?”

“I was in Amber.”

“And what were you doing in Amber?”

“Scouting it out.” Jerek’s eyes were cold and emotionless, refusing to let Nosaj glean any information from them as they stared at each other.

“You took so long to just scout it out?”

“Yes.”

“Ah Jerek,” Nosaj sighed, “I almost wish you excuse was more elaborate. You realize you went directly against my wishes.”

“I realize.”

“And you will be punished for it.”

“Of course.”

“No!” Ramo called out, coming around Jerek to stand between him and Nosaj. “You don’t need to punish Jerek!”

“Hold your place Ramo. It’s no concern of yours.”

Jerek placed a hand on Ramo’s shoulder. “It’s okay Ramo. You don’t need to defend me.”

“But you aren’t even defending yourself! How can I just sit by and let something bad happen to you? So what if you made a mistake, you’re here now and the mission was completed anyway!”

“Ramo, don’t worry about it. I’m not going to die.” Jerek smiled, softly tapping his fist against the top of Ramo’s head. “Quit acting so stupid.”

“Unless the two of you decide to come out together, I suggest you stop it with the cutesy love scenes.” Nosaj pulled his upper lip back in disgust. “Come with me.”

Jerek was unable to keep his face from heating up, and he mouthed a couple inappropriate words at Nosaj’s back, which Ramo saw and nervously giggled at despite his fearful expression. Nosaj looked over his shoulder and glared at the two of them, then continued leading the way down the corridors and stairways, into the dungeon.

“You will receive five lashes for your actions, understand? And let’s hope you never do anything like this ever again, or your punishment will be more severe.” Nosaj stopped in front of a dark wooden door with a barred window cut out near the top. Pushing it open, a soldier jumped to attention as they entered the room. “Shackle him,” Nosaj ordered.

“Jerek, fight this!” Ramo whispered, catching hold of Jerek’s sleeve.

Jerek smiled and pulled Ramo’s hand away, then put his own hands out for the soldier to fasten the metal bands around.

Furious, Nosaj stepped forward and backhanded Jerek across the side of his face, then stabbing his finger into Jerek’s chest, he snarled, “Quit acting like a bloody martyr! You’re not going to die, and no one gives a damn about what happens to you anyway. Do you get that?”

“Am I supposed to be fighting?” Jerek jeered. “Why? So I can give you the satisfaction of ruling over me? I don’t think so.”

Nostrils flaring, Nosaj hit Jerek again, this time cutting Jerek’s lip so that a small trickle of blood appeared. “Shut the hell up! Give him ten lashings, and by God make sure they hurt!” Spinning around, Nosaj stomped out of the room, but before he closed the door he turned and looked at Ramo. “Come with me Ramo. You shouldn’t watch your precious Jerek be reduced to a crying bloody heap. I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to see that.”

“No, I want to . . .”

“GET OVER HERE!”

Hopping slightly, Ramo scurried out the door and Nosaj slammed it shut.

“You heard him.” The soldier chuckled, taking the chain attached to Jerek’s shackles and pulling it through a loop high up on the stone wall to extend Jerek’s arms above his head, then fastened the chain in place. “Just because you’re the heir, doesn’t mean I’ll go easy on you.”

“You realize that once I take control, you are dead.”

“No one lives forever.” Picking up the whip, the soldier pulled it tight in both hands, then letting go with one hand sung it back and forward, lashing Jerek’s back, cutting both cloth and skin. Jerek grunted, clenching his fists so tightly his knuckles shined white as the next stinging blow hit him.

Walking back up the stairs behind Nosaj, Ramo looked backwards with a worried expression, biting his lower lip.

“Ramo.”

Ramo’s head swung forward. “Yes Commander?”

“I want you to follow Jerek everywhere he goes from now on. Especially when he leaves the castle.”

“Commander . . .”

“Never let him out of your sight, and when you find out where he’s been going, come back and report to me.”

“But Commander, that would mean . . .”

Taking Ramo’s chin in his hand, Nosaj tilted his head up to look at his eyes. “Do you love Jerek?”

“Yes, but . . .”

“Would you do anything for him?”

“Anything.”

“Then you’ll do this for me. I have a feeling that our dear little Jerek is drifting farther and farther away from us, and we need to bring him back before it’s too late.”

“You won’t hurt Jerek if I do find something out?”

“Heh, no.” Nosaj’s lips curled in amusement. “I’ve invested too much time into him. He’s the only one who can take over for me.”

“Then . . .” Ramo bit his lip, looking down hesitantly for a moment, before returning his gaze to Nosaj with determination. “I’ll follow him. For his sake.”

“Good boy.” Nosaj patted the top of Ramo’s head. “Make sure you don’t let him know about this. It could turn out badly if you did.”

When they reached the top, Nosaj turned and strode away, leaving Ramo to stare down at the bottom of the steps as he waited.

An hour later Jerek made his way up the same stairs, hunched over with his hand against the wall, slowly taking each step. His shirt had been discarded since the back had been sliced open, it had become a nuisance to continue wearing it. Red covered his skin, some of it running down and soaking into the top of his pants while other areas of his blood were dark and dry.

He wasn’t even going to bother returning to his room. He only wanted one thing, and he wasn’t going to waste the time and effort on actions that would only delay him from achieving it. The cuts that laced his back still stung, throbbing each time his heart beat and burning with the hatred he felt inside. He no longer wanted to passively disappear, never to be seen or heard of again. He wanted revenge. But first, he was returning to the one he loved.

Tired and sore, he slowly staggered his way out of the castle and into the stable where he mounted his horse without the saddle, and riding bareback trotted off into the dark forest, leaning forward with his head down, barely noticing the scenery that passed by around him.

Trembling, Ramo saddled and mounted a brown mare then awkwardly steered after Jerek, keeping as far away from him as he dared but still keeping an eye on him. The idea of spying on Jerek still sickened him, but Jerek’s quick departure reinforced in his mind how necessary it was.

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Fade to White

Fade to White chapter 15

Autumn

Fade to White

Chapter Fifteen

“Where have you been?” Ramo called out, running to Jerek with an anxious expression on his face.

Jerek paused, but he avoided looking directly at Ramo, instead staring down to the side. Finally, after considering for a second what he should say, Jerek replied, “Womanizing.” As Ramo stood stunned, Jerek continued on, going into his bedroom and slamming the door shut, locking it as well. He instantly dropped down to his knees and pulled out a cigaret, lighting it and sucking on it hard. Sitting at the window, he stared outside without really seeing anything, a heavy and painful feeling lodged into the center of his chest. His dream was over. The magic of the new life he had tried to build was dashed by the reality of whom he was. More than anything, he mourned the fact that she had cried because of him.

Putting his hand up against the window sill, Jerek leaned his forehead against it and closed his eyes. The pain was too much as it spread from his chest to the back of his throat, where it formed into a ball that threatened to choke him if he didn’t let it out. A sound managed to escape, jolting his entire body as it did. Jerek pressed himself tighter against his hand, his fingers digging at the stone and his eyes squeezing shut, but that didn’t stop the single droplet from hitting the bottom of the window sill, or the one that followed it.

“Jerek!” Ramo called, first trying the doorknob then banging his fist on the door. “Let me in Jerek! We need to talk!”

Jerek jumped up, quickly gulping down the knot in the back of his throat and wiping his eyes. “What do you want?” he called out, but immediately regretted it because of the shakiness in his voice. It was obvious that Ramo had noticed it because there was a stronger sense of urgency when he replied,

“I need you to let me in!”

This was no good. Ramo was perceptive enough to realize that something was wrong with him, and stubborn enough not to leave him alone until he knew why. Sometimes Ramo was too feminine for Jerek’s liking. Opening the door, Jerek stood and looked at Ramo as he silently stared back at him. Jerek knew his eyes were probably red and tired looking, but he firmly set his mouth against portraying any emotion.

“What happened?” Ramo asked timidly.

“Nothing.” Jerek retreated back into his bedroom, leaving the door open for Ramo to follow.

“So you’re just having a little PMS?”

Jerek whirled around, punching the wall in a sudden fit of anger, yelling as he did so, “I told you nothing happened!”

Ramo pulled his lip back, slightly biting it. “Maybe this really is PMS.”

“Stop it.”

“I’m sorry.” Looking down at the floor, Ramo seemed on the verge of crying himself. “Something bad happened to you, and here I am making fun of you. I shouldn’t be so mean to you. You don’t deserve it.”

Jerek’s mood switched again, and he himself wondered about his hormonal balance as he felt the urge to laugh. “I deserve every form of cruelty I get, and even more.”

“No, you don’t!”

“Yes I do.”

There was a pause for a moment, and when Ramo realized that Jerek had no intention of elaborating, he asked, “What did you mean when you said that you had been womanizing?”

“Nothing.” Finding an excuse, Jerek added, “I just wanted to throw you off.”

Even in the current circumstance, Ramo couldn’t stop his smile of relief. “Then what have you been doing?”

“Hanging out in Amber, mostly.”

“Are you upset because the Commander sent the troops out without you? You must understand that you had simply disappeared for a few days and that no one knew where you were. The Commander was furious, and then he finally sent the soldiers out.” A sudden realization seemed to hit Ramo, and he looked up at Jerek with large eyes. “What are you going to do about the Commander? He’s going to skin you alive!”

“I can take care of myself. It doesn’t matter.”

“No, it does matter! Nosaj was livid! He said that he was going to punish you severely for just abandoning him like that. Jerek, you’re going to get whipped!”

“Then so be it.” Jerek shrugged. “So what if I get whipped? It doesn’t really matter anyway.”

“Yes it does.” Testing, Ramo put his hand against Jerek’s chest, and when Jerek didn’t react he proceeded to lay his head against him as well. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Gulping down the urge to cry, Jerek reached up and uncertain with himself touched Ramo’s shoulder, causing Ramo to look up at him with surprise. “There are some things that we don’t have any control over.”

“No, don’t say that.” Clutching Jerek’s shirt, Ramo shook his head as sparkling tears appeared in the corners of his eyes. “There is always something we can do! Don’t give up! I don’t want you to be beaten, so please help me to help you avoid that punishment!”

“You’re so girly.” Prying Ramo’s hands away, Jerek smirked. “If I’m in the mood, then maybe I’ll try something. You really shouldn’t get all emotional and desperate like that. It’s not masculine. I’m tempted to think that you’re really a girl who disguised herself as a man. That would be shameful.”

“I am not! I’m a man! I just happen to be a little more in touch with my emotions than you do, and that’s all there is to it. I bet that you feel every single emotion that I do. You just keep it bottled up.”

“Maybe, maybe not.” Though, inside Jerek couldn’t help but admit that Ramo was right. At that very moment his heart was back at the cottage, and his desire to be with and protect Tryne was as strong as it had ever been. “So you think it’s important to follow your emotions?”

“Yes. Especially when the emotion is strong, because holding it back will only damage you on the inside.”

“Hmm,” Jerek grunted. “Where is Nosaj?”

“In the Throne Room. Why?”

“Might as well get this over and done with now.”

“You’re crazy!” Ramo called after him as Jerek walked steadily down the hallway toward the Throne Room. Often, he had gone to that room to report news on various activities, but never before had he been in trouble like this. Although on the outside he seemed confident, inside he was scared. There was a part of him now that never wanted to see Nosaj again, a part of him that hated Nosaj with everything he had, the part that blamed Nosaj for all the misery he had ever experienced in his life.

“Wait!” Ramo yelled, and Jerek did stop, turning around while Ramo ran to catch up to him. “I’m going with you.”

“If you don’t want to see me get hurt, I suggest you stay here.”

“You won’t get hurt. I won’t let you.”

“Then if you don’t want to see me hurt Nosaj, stay here.”

“Huh?” Ramo frowned, confused.

“Haven’t you ever really thought about it? What happened to your sister, how my parents died, what if those things didn’t really occur how we were told they did?”

“I don’t understand.”

Jerek sighed, putting his hand on his forehead as he turned around and started walking again. “If Nosaj is such a benevolent ruler, then why do so many people hate him? Commoners don’t seem to be stupid and rebellious at all.”

“We were attacked by a mob.” Ramo’s voice was dark, his head pointed down as he spoke. “A band of peasants who knew about my father’s position with the Commander came in the middle of the night and burned our house down. They dragged my older sister out by her hair, tore and shredded her clothes, then raped her so brutally she died. All while I watched!” Ramo looked up, tears streaming from his eyes. “The louder she screamed, the harder they laughed! It was Nosaj who . . . it was him who took me in and gave me a new home to live in, and he gave me the best friend that I’ve ever had. I can’t believe that Nosaj is wrong! His methods may be harsh, his morals may be dead, but that doesn’t make him a liar! People hate him because he rules them, because they’ll always hate someone more powerful than they are!”

“Ramo . . .”

“It was Nosaj who took you in too! He gave you your position. He made you his heir! He saved you from those same peasants that attacked my family! They knew about you, they knew that . . .”

“That’s enough!” Jerek yelled, cutting Ramo off. Quieter, he added, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said those things. It’s just that . . .”

Ramo didn’t say anything in reply, continuing to look at Jerek with tears in his eyes. Hesitantly, Jerek stepped forward and put one arm around Ramo, pulling him into a hug. “I’m sorry, I don’t want you mad at me too,” he whispered.

“Jerek, I . . .”

“Touching.” Nosaj’s voice was cold and menacing, an exact reflection of his eyes while he stood watching Jerek and Ramo.

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Muse

Under Grey Skies

Autumn

I can feel something brewing in my head when I listen to this song.