Tag: journal

About Me

Embracing Self-Confidence Post-Divorce

Autumn

I’ve been feeling really good about my physical appearance lately.

I find it very affirming that divorced me has healthier coloring and less bloating. Divorced me is more confident in my own body. Divorced me is better at socializing with complete strangers.

Not that I’m claiming rampant improvements across the board. I still haven’t figured out a huge portion of my life, so being able to smile at my reflection in the mirror feels like a small win.

I think that I’ve been doing a lot of internal improvements, particularly with rewriting my internal self to embrace the idea that I don’t have to be invisible. I’ve been working to join the “warm social world,” and have been pleasantly surprised at how many people respond positively to my comments about the weather (and other various small talk topics). Instead of being constantly self-critical and internalizing far too much, I just aim to be friendly and curious, and let everything else be as it is.

Awhile ago I mentioned that I’ve been trying to emulate what I think a strong and admirable character would do in my shoes. I admit that I feel plenty of pressure to throw myself out there and pursue success (why haven’t you found a real job yet?), but I think it’s important to fix the parts of me that led me to rock bottom, so to speak. Otherwise I might end up playing out the same story with new costumes.

And when I think of myself as the bleeding heart who was terrified of the spotlight, I realize how inevitable my fate was.

Not that I want to stop being empathic and supportive. Rather, I know that I need to do a better job of letting people go when I get bad vibes from them — something I witnessed in myself more recently when I kept a conversation going with someone who I strongly felt like they had huge red flags surrounding them, and I absolutely hated talking to them. I probably should have ghosted them, but I kept feeling guilty every time I didn’t reply.

So I really want to internalize the idea that it’s not wrong to protect myself from people who clash with me. It’s not wrong to prioritize people who make me feel safe to be around.

I don’t have to be the one who’s always understanding. I don’t have to be the one who’s patient and never gives up. I don’t have to be anyone’s savior — and I have learned to acknowledge the hubris that drives that particular ideology in the first place.

Phrases like, “No one understands me” are red flags, not challenges. Don’t try to be better and prove otherwise. Save the empathy and support for someone who appreciates it.

About Me

Embracing Simplicity: Finding Joy in the Mundane

Autumn

I never really thought of myself as a boring person.

Oh sure, my “excitement” for the week is that I Spring-cleaned my car, but with hauling out the shop vac while upbeat music blared on my bluetooth speaker, it didn’t feel tedious at all — I’m quite satisfied with my accomplishment. Happy and fulfilled. I have an answer to the question, “Have you done anything fun lately?” What’s more, it’s a nice and accessible answer that most people can easily relate to, thus leading into deeper conversations.

However, at one point during the last year, I was given the strong impression that I was considered boring. I drive very conservatively, and go to bed at the same time every night. I don’t follow politics, or debate anyone about anything. Alcohol? Yeah, I’ve decided that I’m probably never going to drink again, because it makes me feel yucky and I don’t enjoy it.

Which I guess makes me boring by some standards.

Not that I’m ever bored. I have plenty to do and think about. So much so, that I don’t really have the time to prove that I’m not boring.

This topic crossed my mind today as I was thinking about my life — specifically where I am and how I got here. Disentangling my thoughts from his.

And I like simplicity. I like boring. I like predictable. I like using my shop vac to suck out the dirt of winter from my car, then shampoo all the seats. Maybe I’ll even pick up an air freshener the next time I’m at the grocery store and feel excited about it. Yup, that’s me, easily amused. Go ahead and make fun of me all you want.

Because at least I never feel bored. At least I don’t feel like I have to prove anything.

About Me

Cherishing Family Moments Outdoors

Autumn

I took my kids out on a walk by the river. We were passed by a group in kayaks despite the chilly weather, and the dog kept jumping up onto the cement wall that separated us from the water, making all of us anxious that he’d fall in. We decided to turn around when the wind picked up, and it was snowing by the time we reached our car. Once home, we treated ourselves with hot cocoa to warm up.

Right now, these are the moments that I want most in my life, the laughter and memories with the people I love. Sometimes I think that I ought to be striving harder to change my circumstances, to somehow ease the financial strain that was handed to me, but all I can think about is what I’d miss out on in exchange.

I know how I want to spend my life. The question is how to make that possible.

I’ve started reading Summer of Night by Dan Simmons. So far it’s been one of those slow paced, boys coming of age type stories, but I’m only a few chapters in. There have been a lot of names introduced all at once, so I haven’t the foggiest who is who — I prefer it when characters are given the chance to assert their personality before the next one pops up. The prose itself is nice.

Thus the days are passing by, one by one.

About Me

Spring Blooms: Crafting, Writing, and Reflection

Autumn

It’s time to get back into the habit of thinking in words. For someone who has spent most of her life reveling in them, they’ve been rather absent from my mind for the last several months. But, traumatic psychological injuries aside, this is my favorite way of processing the world.

I’ve been challenged to keep a daily gratitude journal. It seems like an added pressure, so I’m not going to bother — har har — but it is true that we write the stories of our own lives. Maybe not the details, but the genre and tone are certainly within our grasp, and it’s better to stick with “inspirational” when possible.

That said, I am working on getting craft items ready for selling, and we had some gorgeous Spring weather days that were spent outside basking in the sunlight.

Not bad, right?

Writing is one of those skills that gets rusty with disuse, so I’m going to put more effort into posting updates, even when they aren’t anything special. I hope that you don’t mind.

About Me

Rewriting My Story: Creative Reflections on Life

Autumn

I’ve taken a much-needed break, though I can’t say that my life is any different these days. Motherhood is taking most of my focus as usual, but I am feeling much better about myself in general; I’m learning the value of simply breathing.

The kids and I have made plans on how we want to celebrate Valentine’s Day together, including decorating cookies and setting up a chocolate fondue. Valentine’s Day is still one of my favorite holidays, and I’m still excited for it — I’ve never been one of those bitter “singles awareness” types, and I’m not going to start now.

It’s hard to summarize everything, honestly. I’m busy with plenty of activities, and I’ve been spending a lot of time processing the past and musing about the future, as well as trying to appreciate each day as it comes. I spend a lot more time out of the house these days, practicing how to engage complete strangers in small talk, and slowly boosting my confidence bit by bit. No more shy and invisible for me!

I still haven’t decided what I want to do with RuneMaster. Since I originally created the characters back when I was in high school after a traumatic period in my life, it seems very fitting that I should do my “grown up” rewrite now, after another traumatic period in my life. Come to think of it, the mirroring of past and present is a little weird. I don’t break up often, but when I do …

I need to figure out what happens in the rewrite. When I began it a year ago, I decided to cut a character to make the story fit into the overall mythos better, but now I think I want to put him back in … even if it does completely change the dynamics of the characters’ interactions. Why not, right? I ain’t got no fanbase to disappoint. 😆

Just me. Figuring out my life.

About Me

Top 5 Skills That Define Me

Autumn

Share five things you’re good at.

Writing

I’ve always been passionate about words, but I have the writer’s curse of being absolutely terrible at speaking.  But combining letters to create sounds and sentences? It feels like art.

Cooking

My favorite thing is to sit down to wholesome comfort food with my favorite people, which means that I’ve put in the effort to be able to prepare food that makes the moment perfect. Presentation, on the other hand, is completely different skill, and I’m not about to go adding sprigs of parsley any time soon.

Sewing

I call it my sanity hobby! I love the way the fabric feels in my fingers, and the hum of my machine as it stitches.

Child Care

While I’m not going to claim perfection, I have put in a lot of time practicing patience, and I try my best to empathize. When it comes to children, the love and care you put into them is reciprocated (though not always in obvious ways), and that means the world to me.

Moving Forward

I feel a little ridiculous for putting that one down, but after the year I’ve had, I think I ought to acknowledge how much strength it’s taken to get out of bed and keep breathing, every single day.

About Me

How to be interesting

Autumn
  • Energy ducking – using low enthusiasm to avoid standing out.
    • Don’t be afraid to be playful!
  • Story gap – hint at something to build interest.
  • Avoid short answers – elaborate!
    • Share enough to make conversation easy, but create space for the other person.
  • Avoid repeating the same old boring stuff
    • Use fun hypotheticals!
  • Don’t be passive!
    • Listen to laugh (be real about it)
    • Make others feel smart & funny.

I confess that “energy ducking” is something that I’m quite guilty of, especially in real life. You know how it is when you tell a joke, only it falls flat and everyone stares at you like you’re a weirdo? I have a hard time with that. So it’s easier to not tell the joke in the first place.

I’m struggling quite a bit with camera anxiety. Camera confidence is zero. On the bright side, I’m very skilled at silently staring in terror. Heck yeah!

My social skills are rusty. I probably would have had an easier time building a youtube channel when I was 22, back when I was used to interacting with friends. As it is now, my daily conversations tend to revolve around, “Please do your math lessons,” and, “What would you like for dinner?” However, since my long-term goal is to do livestreaming, I need to brush those social skills off. Remember back when I thrived on social energy? Do that again.

Part of me is kind of embarrassed that here I am in my late 30s, trying to remember what it’s like to be around friends. But, given everything I hear about the “loneliness epidemic”, I’m in good company. Hey there, fellow humans who spent too much time working and no time socializing. Let’s hang out. I can silently stare at the camera in terror. We’ll be awkward together. No judgments.

I recently learned about the “warm social world,” and I very much want to live there. I’ve been starting up conversations with random strangers, and its fun when I find someone who wants to talk.

I may be in my late 30s, but as they say, it’s never too late.

About Me

How I’m Transforming Fear into Confidence As A YouTube Creator

Autumn

I’m serious when I whip out my notebook and start taking notes.

So … “how to get big on youtube” is a genre, and there are about a million channels all telling you how to … get big on youtube. Naturally, that inspires me to feel massively insecure about the fact that probably everyone is following the same advice, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to measure up to all the people who don’t have my issues (of which I have so many). There are a gazillion youtube videos out there, after all.

Meanwhile, I’m still working on my camera anxiety.

This is probably going to be a big block for me, but I’m determined to get over it. The thing is, I realized that since I’ve lived most of my life trying to be invisible, I’ve attracted people who wanted me to be invisible … and I don’t actually like it at all. What I really want is to feel seen and heard, which also means that I have to get over feeling so uncomfortable with being seen and heard. I mean this for my personal relationships just as much for my current career venture.

To get a little bit personal here, I recently played Josh Groban’s song, “Hidden Away” while belting it out with my terrible vocal control, when in the middle of it I broke down sobbing too hard to keep singing.


If no one sees you then nobody knows
And all these words you were meant to say
Held in silence day after day
Words of kindness that our poor hearts crave
Please don’t keep them
Hidden away

Josh Groban – Hidden Away

I’m teary eyed right now just reading over it again.

I don’t think I was meant to be silent and invisible in my life. I love words too much, and I care too much about leaving a positive impact on the world. So, no matter how hard and scary it is for me to stand up and be seen, I want to do it. I want to overcome my fear. Because I want to help others and leave the world a better place, and I can’t do that in hiding. Do you want to know something that I’ve learned? Strong emotions, including fear, are easier to turn into forward momentum than having weak emotions. So it’s a good thing that I’ve got fear in droves — tons and tons of it, about practically everything.

Getting back to the original topic …

The deeper I dive into this youtube idea, the more it feels like I need to do this for the sake of my future. Because, as it’s been said, “If you do what you did, then you’ll get what you got,” and I really don’t want to repeat my past. If I can get over my camera anxiety, then I can start a new chapter in my life where I’ll be more confident in myself and make better choices. I also won’t attract people who expect me to sit in the shadows while they hog the spotlight.

So, the photo above is of some of the notes that I’ve been taking about managing a youtube channel — specifically the thumbnails. Not every popular channel follows those rules, but they’re a good place to start, especially considering that you only get about one second to capture someone’s attention. Then, after they clicked that thumbnail to see what the heck, the first ten seconds of the video are where you establish whether or not they’re going to stick around and watch it. Kind of insane, right? One second to catch someone’s eye, and ten seconds to make them stay — yet that’s how fast our brains work. In a way, it takes the pressure off the rest of the content, because as long as I don’t plummet downhill with the quality, I don’t have to maintain that level of engagement for the entire video.

I’m starting to feel excited about learning marketing. I wouldn’t go and claim that I feel excited for it every moment of every day — I still have plenty of periods of feeling soul-crushing defeat about how everything went so so wrong — but I can get behind the idea of spending 2025 learning me some new skills and re-making my life into something better. Provided I don’t end up homeless.

I even went through the trouble of digging out my fancy camera, that I bought all the way back in 2016 so that I could get high-quality photos and videos of the kids. Only then I became too anxious about accidentally breaking it or something, so I didn’t use it that much, and it ended up sitting in the case gathering dust. LOL. Now it can be repurposed for youtube, I guess.

So … let’s see where this goes.

What about you? What are some strong emotions that you’ve had, that you’ve used to change something for the better in your life? I’m really curious, because I think that we can help cheer each other on with positive words; we all probably need more than we’re getting. 😊

About Me

Overcoming Writer’s Process: Navigating Life’s Challenges

Autumn

One of those big and glaringly obvious things about trying to make a living as an indie author is that you have to, you know, write books to make it happen.

Ha ha, yeah, I’ll get around to it.

Currently my actual progress with novel writing is quite small. Currently my mind is a little too preoccupied with the real world to think that much about my fictional ones. I wouldn’t say, “writer’s block”, but I’m definitely still deep in “writer’s process.” And while I’m kinda wishing that I was more of an escapist sort, I need to get a real-world foundation built under me before I can start dreaming.

There is a slightly pragmatic element to me.

So instead of thinking about Malachi and Lyra, running around and doing things in Runemaster, I’m thinking about boring adult things like my credit score. I’m figuring out how to structure my day so that I can have time for everything that needs to be done. I’m trying to remember to stay hydrated and get some fresh air and sunshine. I’m adjusting to a major life change. I’m stopping a four-year-old and a two-year-old from spitting at each other across the room, because despite how cute and little they are, it’s also kinda gross.

What I need is time. I wish that life came with a pause button that I could smack every time I needed a moment to think and process, but the sun continues to rise and fall the same way that it always has and always will. I don’t know if I’m counting down the days to a deadline, or if I’ll have all the time I need. And it’s easy to get caught up in the stress.

So I remind myself not to make any decisions based on fear. I can be logical. I can follow what my heart truly wants. But I won’t let myself succumb to fear; that’s not how I want to live the rest of my life. I know deep in my heart that writing is the only thing that I have any real ambition for, so that’s where I’m throwing all my energy.

However, I’m not going to lie: having a fire tickling my behind is also proving itself to be great motivation. I might not be deep into writing yet, but I’m thinking a lot about the marketing aspect and learning new skills.

My life right now

Speaking of marketing, that whole “SEO optimization” makes me feel awkward. There’s nothing poetic about it, and it’s definitely not natural to my way of thinking.

“Calls to action” are also something that are currently uncomfortable. Should I really end my blog posts with, “Now that I’ve shared how my life is a train wreck, tell me about your own train wrecks in the comments below!” Is that appropriate?

But what the hey, let’s commiserate a little bit. What are you struggling with in your life right now?

About Me

Navigating Marketing Like Dating: A Writer’s Journey

Autumn

I confess that as I’ve been researching marketing, I keep having the thought that it would be easier for me to get remarried instead.

It’s not that I find the idea of marketing to be morally repugnant or anything — hey, once a story is deemed finished, I can cut that metaphorical umbilical cord and throw it out into the world for consumption; no problems there — but the idea of managing a platform and brand sounds so overwhelmingly draining. I’ve never been the sort to wave my arms and cry out, “Look at me!” and it frankly scares me to do so.

At the same time, I’m also aware that dating and marketing probably aren’t all that different. Target demographic: Men, 40’s, divorced with children. Product: One domestic engineer — I can cook, clean, and laugh at all your jokes! The main difference is that I have lots of experience in a companionship and support role, and have otherwise done my best to remain invisible to everyone else in every other capacity. What can I say, I’m shy. LOL.

And honestly, it just hurts to dedicate my life to household management, childcare, budgeting, and culinary arts, only to be abruptly ousted out of my career. Like, hey, I really enjoyed doing that! Please just let me cook dinner.

But I have no idea what my life is supposed to be or where it’s supposed to go, so I’m just going to pick a direction and blindly follow it until I hit a sign or something. And since I love writing so much, that’s where I’m trying to go.

Target demographic: People who love genre romances with strong characterization, deep philosophical discussions, a touch of wholesomeness, and a sprinkle of sordid. Product: My novels.

See? That wasn’t so bad. Now I just need to wave my arms in the air and shout, “Look at me!”

I wouldn’t go out on a date without putting on deodorant first, and in the same vein I should gussy up my books to make them appealing and not stinky. However, I would also never put on fake eyelashes, since that’s not in my personality and not the sort of precedent that I want to set — I’d prefer someone who likes my minimal makeup style. So … I shouldn’t try to make my novels seem like something that they’re not.

The main difference is, of course, that in dating I would just be searching for the One to settle down with, while in marketing I’d be searching for … a lot more. I’m not sure if there is an end goal in marketing, and that’s a little much to wrap my mind around.

And as of yet, I have no idea if being a professional writer will provide the same warm fuzzies that sharing a home cooked meal does.

But you know how it is when life throws you a curve ball. Sometimes all you can do is adapt and stumble around blindly until something new works out.