Back when I was 21, I wanted to get angel wings tattooed onto my back. They were meant to symbolize my spiritual connection, as well as the “angelic purity” that I always wanted to maintain within myself. I very deeply resonated with the concept of angels, and aspired to be like one. I never got this tattoo though.
Now I’m 37 and I’ve decided that I’ll probably never get a tattoo, because I’ve gotten old and squeamish, and I think that I’ve gone through more than enough pain thank-you-very-much. But, I do have markers that I use to draw Elder Futhark runes on myself with, and I like that I can change the symbolism when the ink fades.
I took my kids out on a walk by the river. We were passed by a group in kayaks despite the chilly weather, and the dog kept jumping up onto the cement wall that separated us from the water, making all of us anxious that he’d fall in. We decided to turn around when the wind picked up, and it was snowing by the time we reached our car. Once home, we treated ourselves with hot cocoa to warm up.
Right now, these are the moments that I want most in my life, the laughter and memories with the people I love. Sometimes I think that I ought to be striving harder to change my circumstances, to somehow ease the financial strain that was handed to me, but all I can think about is what I’d miss out on in exchange.
I know how I want to spend my life. The question is how to make that possible.
I’ve started reading Summer of Night by Dan Simmons. So far it’s been one of those slow paced, boys coming of age type stories, but I’m only a few chapters in. There have been a lot of names introduced all at once, so I haven’t the foggiest who is who — I prefer it when characters are given the chance to assert their personality before the next one pops up. The prose itself is nice.
It’s time to get back into the habit of thinking in words. For someone who has spent most of her life reveling in them, they’ve been rather absent from my mind for the last several months. But, traumatic psychological injuries aside, this is my favorite way of processing the world.
I’ve been challenged to keep a daily gratitude journal. It seems like an added pressure, so I’m not going to bother — har har — but it is true that we write the stories of our own lives. Maybe not the details, but the genre and tone are certainly within our grasp, and it’s better to stick with “inspirational” when possible.
That said, I am working on getting craft items ready for selling, and we had some gorgeous Spring weather days that were spent outside basking in the sunlight.
Not bad, right?
Writing is one of those skills that gets rusty with disuse, so I’m going to put more effort into posting updates, even when they aren’t anything special. I hope that you don’t mind.
I’ve taken a much-needed break, though I can’t say that my life is any different these days. Motherhood is taking most of my focus as usual, but I am feeling much better about myself in general; I’m learning the value of simply breathing.
The kids and I have made plans on how we want to celebrate Valentine’s Day together, including decorating cookies and setting up a chocolate fondue. Valentine’s Day is still one of my favorite holidays, and I’m still excited for it — I’ve never been one of those bitter “singles awareness” types, and I’m not going to start now.
It’s hard to summarize everything, honestly. I’m busy with plenty of activities, and I’ve been spending a lot of time processing the past and musing about the future, as well as trying to appreciate each day as it comes. I spend a lot more time out of the house these days, practicing how to engage complete strangers in small talk, and slowly boosting my confidence bit by bit. No more shy and invisible for me!
I still haven’t decided what I want to do with RuneMaster. Since I originally created the characters back when I was in high school after a traumatic period in my life, it seems very fitting that I should do my “grown up” rewrite now, after another traumatic period in my life. Come to think of it, the mirroring of past and present is a little weird. I don’t break up often, but when I do …
I need to figure out what happens in the rewrite. When I began it a year ago, I decided to cut a character to make the story fit into the overall mythos better, but now I think I want to put him back in … even if it does completely change the dynamics of the characters’ interactions. Why not, right? I ain’t got no fanbase to disappoint. 😆
I’ve always been passionate about words, but I have the writer’s curse of being absolutely terrible at speaking. But combining letters to create sounds and sentences? It feels like art.
Cooking
My favorite thing is to sit down to wholesome comfort food with my favorite people, which means that I’ve put in the effort to be able to prepare food that makes the moment perfect. Presentation, on the other hand, is completely different skill, and I’m not about to go adding sprigs of parsley any time soon.
Sewing
I call it my sanity hobby! I love the way the fabric feels in my fingers, and the hum of my machine as it stitches.
Child Care
While I’m not going to claim perfection, I have put in a lot of time practicing patience, and I try my best to empathize. When it comes to children, the love and care you put into them is reciprocated (though not always in obvious ways), and that means the world to me.
Moving Forward
I feel a little ridiculous for putting that one down, but after the year I’ve had, I think I ought to acknowledge how much strength it’s taken to get out of bed and keep breathing, every single day.
Energy ducking – using low enthusiasm to avoid standing out.
Don’t be afraid to be playful!
Story gap – hint at something to build interest.
Avoid short answers – elaborate!
Share enough to make conversation easy, but create space for the other person.
Avoid repeating the same old boring stuff
Use fun hypotheticals!
Don’t be passive!
Listen to laugh (be real about it)
Make others feel smart & funny.
I confess that “energy ducking” is something that I’m quite guilty of, especially in real life. You know how it is when you tell a joke, only it falls flat and everyone stares at you like you’re a weirdo? I have a hard time with that. So it’s easier to not tell the joke in the first place.
I’m struggling quite a bit with camera anxiety. Camera confidence is zero. On the bright side, I’m very skilled at silently staring in terror. Heck yeah!
My social skills are rusty. I probably would have had an easier time building a youtube channel when I was 22, back when I was used to interacting with friends. As it is now, my daily conversations tend to revolve around, “Please do your math lessons,” and, “What would you like for dinner?” However, since my long-term goal is to do livestreaming, I need to brush those social skills off. Remember back when I thrived on social energy? Do that again.
Part of me is kind of embarrassed that here I am in my late 30s, trying to remember what it’s like to be around friends. But, given everything I hear about the “loneliness epidemic”, I’m in good company. Hey there, fellow humans who spent too much time working and no time socializing. Let’s hang out. I can silently stare at the camera in terror. We’ll be awkward together. No judgments.
I recently learned about the “warm social world,” and I very much want to live there. I’ve been starting up conversations with random strangers, and its fun when I find someone who wants to talk.
I may be in my late 30s, but as they say, it’s never too late.
My kids and I are reading Hatchet by Gary Paulsen as part of our home school curriculum, and this was a fortuitous quote to come across at this point in my life.
I am my best friend and my greatest resource. I am someone that I can rely on, no matter what happens. I am the best thing I have.
And I will make a good life for myself and my children, no matter how much work it takes.
By Autumn Rain 