Finding Purpose After Divorce: A Personal Journey

A divorce was a huge blow to my philosophical foundation.

For my entire life, I was unapologetically a believer in Love. After all, I had Venus in Pisces in my astrological chart, so there was no chance that I wouldn’t go through life full of whimsy and romance. If you do your best to be good to someone, then they’ll be good to you in return, right? Cue happily ever after?

Except … no.

Maybe the world isn’t full of people who are trying to do their best. Maybe there are too many personality disorders who are all too willing to exploit others. Maybe selfish transactional-ism is the law of the land, and you should never believe anyone who claims otherwise.

And maybe there is no such thing as partners for life anymore. Maybe society is just too broken.

Throughout the entire process, I stated repeatedly that I didn’t want a divorce and that I opposed the idea, but he had done something back in April (that I haven’t the guts to talk about) that resulted in an enormous amount of social pressure on me to go through with it. From complete strangers, to boot. And given that he was solid in his decision to dump me, there wasn’t anything to fight for. Everyone around me said that it was for the best.

Worldview be damned.

But then, what do I believe in now?

One of my biggest fears is to end up as a bitter old woman, that people get together and blow off steam about over coffee because I’m that difficult to put up with. So eventually I have to find a new purpose — that is my end goal here.

And it dawned on me that my philosophical foundation was bigger than I had previously realized.

I’m still a mother, still doing my best day after day to love and support my children, homeschooling them, sharing in their interests, and cleaning up after them — my first duty is to them and their well-being.

I still have an image of the sort of person I want to be, full of life and optimism, wise yet forever untainted by the hardships of life.

Maybe my happily ever after doesn’t include a male partner, but I’m not lonely. I still have people to love, and who love me in return. I can still have an open heart.

Life doesn’t run a clear course
It flows through from within
It’s supposed to take you places and leave markings on your skin

Poets of the Fall – Love Will Come to You